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"Whiteout" Review

Watch this. (The original video was taken down and all the other versions don't allow embedding.)

This is the only part of the Antarctic crapfest Whiteout you need to see because the other 100 minutes are sheer tedious stupidity. I'm not kidding. I don't even want to waste the time recapping the supposed plot, such as it is. The whole time I was wondering why this movie was made and who thought putting Kate Beckensale in a parka would sell tickets as an improbably hot U.S. Marshal at the South Pole. Again, I'm not kidding.

Absolutely insipid. Avoid.


UPDATE: I've received feedback that a synopsis is necessary (dammit!) because the ads never made clear as to what sort of movie this was: sci-fi, horror, what? (I was entertaining myself by occasionally asking, "When's the Thing showing up?" It's a convoluted murder mystery. In a prologue, we see a Soviet plane crash in Antarctica and what the passengers were killing each other for is the McGuffin. With three days left before the South Pole base evacs for the winter, a body is found out on the ice and Marshal Hottie-with-flashback-demons has to solve the crime. Then a masked parka-clad guy with an ice axe attacks! Who's the killer? What was on the plane? Who the frak cares?!?

The only original elements are the location and environment. Isolated at the bottom of the world with minus-60 temperatures and 100 mph winds promising near-instant death, it's as threatening as you can get short of outer space. But they don't play by the rules they establish; early in the movie, Becks gets so frostbitten that she loses two fingers (snip!) but the final battle in a raging storm where if you get disconnected from the guide ropes, you'll literally be blown away, is battled with exposed faces and when she gets inside she's not even chapped! No dry skin or split ends and static flyaway hair. Sure, it's Hollywood, but if they're willing to show blackened dead fingers, why not some weathering?


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